20. Judicial Self-Amusement

A reader who prefers not to be identified, writing from another galaxy, tells the story of a bored judge hearing drunk driving cases.  These were non-jury trials and several were scheduled back-to-back during the course of a single afternoon.  The officer who made the arrest in the first case was on the stand and the prosecutor was taking him through the routine questions.  The officer described how he advised the motorist of his rights under the implied consent law.  (All states have an implied consent law, which requires motorists to give breath samples -- by driving in the state you "impliedly consent" to doing so.)

The judge, who had until that moment seemed bored, perked up.  He broke into the prosecutor's examination to ask if the officer read the motorist his rights from a printed card.  The officer said he had.  The judge asked, "Can I see the card, please?"  The officer, flustered, said he didn't have it with him.  The judge, with an expression of concern, said, "Oh, then I'm afraid I must acquit on the basis of insufficient evidence."

The  prosecutor hurriedly contacted the officer scheduled to testify in the next trial to ensure she brought an implied consent card to court.  Within a quarter-hour the next case was underway and the prosecutor was again going through the routine questions.  When the prosecutor got to the part about implied consent, the officer volunteered that she had read the motorist his rights from a printed card, and that she had the card with her if the court cared to review it.

"Oh, that's all right," the judge said, waving his hand dismissively but looking quite pleased with himself.  "There's no need for me to see the card.  It doesn't add anything to your testimony."